Psst...Is the Coast Clear?
Shucks. The ranch sure don't look like it used to, Pa.
Insomnia's a bitch. And i don't mean a Catherine Zeta-Jones type of bitch...you know, the kind of bitch you hate but would still sell a family member into slavery in order to sleep with. No, no, i could lay awake with that kind of bitch all night long. I'm thinking bitch more along the line of, oh say...um...geez, i didn't really think this little analogy through...ok, say like Catherine Zeta-Jones' slightly bitchier, frighteningly ugly older sister...with really bad PMS. Oooooh!
Whatever, it sucks. And i mean sucking less like having your penis stuck inside Jenna Jameson and more like having your penis stuck in a Hoover vacuum. Ok, that one worked a little better. ...if only a little bit.
The worst thing about insomnia (uh, other than the not sleeping and feeling like ass the next day) is how much your mind wanders while you're staring at the shadows on the ceiling between joyous fits of masturbation. It really - Hang on a sec...
Oh, ok, so i looked it up and, as it turns out, excessive masturbation is not a symptom of insomnia. That must just be me. Um..so, this is awkward... But, as i was saying, the truly bothersome thing about not being able to sleep is that my mind wanders worse than Stuart Scott's left eye (boo-yah!!). Now i suppose that thinking, in and of itself, is a good thing (despite some people who seem to get dumber the more they do of it) but it can become a problem when you can't shut it off, especially when your trying to catch some shut eye. Let my mind get bogged down on something, anything really, no matter how trivial, and i'll be pondering it til sunrise. How is it, exactly, that turtles have sex? No really, hear me out Matty, it sounds silly, but what's the answer? I mean if someone handed you a turtle and said, 'here, fuck this', would you know how? No, i realize that wouldn't ever be something you'd be into, i'm just saying, um, like if you life depended on it..if someone put a gun to your head (cause weighing any important question always boils down to what you would choose if a violently curious individual placed a gun to your head) and told you that you had to have sex with the turtle or he'd kill you. I mean, you'd be dead, right? ...even if it was a reasonably attractive turtle that you somehow mustered the will to have sex with, you'd still be dead cause you wouldn't know how to do it. It'd be like being a virgin all over again...only more embarrassing because if there was a guy pointing a gun at your head, then there is likely a crowd as well and they're probably all, like, ducking behind news stands and park benches to avoid the gun wielding psycho, but they're also watching you try every possible way to stick your dick in a reptile. I know the first girl you slept with was no real prize, but at least you guys had things in common, like, um, your species. But forget all that, i mean not totally, just the part where you are trying to fuck a turtle, because to be honest i'm not really all that curious about how a human has sex with a turtle - we don't even know if that's possble. We have seen baby turtles however, so we know there's some hard-back lovin' goin on at some time. Turtles don't lay eggs, do they? Oh god, then you get into the whole question of where the eggs come from and i only have so much time here. For simplicities sake, I vote that turtles just have gigantic wangers hidden under their shells and they whip 'em out when need be. At that point i get up to check my hypothesis on the internet and wind up searching for online porn all night. And no, not turtle porn.
Well, tonight i was lying awake and i started thinking about my blog. My poor, neglected blog whom i up and left for my new job and to whom i have dropped barely a single word over the past few months. I missed my blog. But, despite the history of our passionate affair of words, i had doubts that my blog would take me back.
So this is what it has come to. Like a mentally ill ex-lover i sneak back into the picture in the middle of the night with the hope that my blog will awake, find my post here and just assume everything's back to normal. That's what i hope for, a reprieve from explaining my absence, despite the obligation that i feel to do so. I swear, there were no other blogs; you are the only one for me. I will never again let work come between us. You complete me. You had me at 'Sign In.'
Sooooo, I just read back over this and i think i must be out of practice. I mean, i blogged about more interesting things than this before, didn't i? Didn't i?
I think i'll go lay down and ponder that question for a bit. I've got about 4 hours left til i have to be up for work, let's see what i come up with. Whatever i come up with it will certainly be better than the closing to this post. My mind refuses to produce a clever ending, so...
Insomnia's a bitch. And i don't mean a Catherine Zeta-Jones type of bitch...you know, the kind of bitch you hate but would still sell a family member into slavery in order to sleep with. No, no, i could lay awake with that kind of bitch all night long. I'm thinking bitch more along the line of, oh say...um...geez, i didn't really think this little analogy through...ok, say like Catherine Zeta-Jones' slightly bitchier, frighteningly ugly older sister...with really bad PMS. Oooooh!
Whatever, it sucks. And i mean sucking less like having your penis stuck inside Jenna Jameson and more like having your penis stuck in a Hoover vacuum. Ok, that one worked a little better. ...if only a little bit.
The worst thing about insomnia (uh, other than the not sleeping and feeling like ass the next day) is how much your mind wanders while you're staring at the shadows on the ceiling between joyous fits of masturbation. It really - Hang on a sec...
Oh, ok, so i looked it up and, as it turns out, excessive masturbation is not a symptom of insomnia. That must just be me. Um..so, this is awkward... But, as i was saying, the truly bothersome thing about not being able to sleep is that my mind wanders worse than Stuart Scott's left eye (boo-yah!!). Now i suppose that thinking, in and of itself, is a good thing (despite some people who seem to get dumber the more they do of it) but it can become a problem when you can't shut it off, especially when your trying to catch some shut eye. Let my mind get bogged down on something, anything really, no matter how trivial, and i'll be pondering it til sunrise. How is it, exactly, that turtles have sex? No really, hear me out Matty, it sounds silly, but what's the answer? I mean if someone handed you a turtle and said, 'here, fuck this', would you know how? No, i realize that wouldn't ever be something you'd be into, i'm just saying, um, like if you life depended on it..if someone put a gun to your head (cause weighing any important question always boils down to what you would choose if a violently curious individual placed a gun to your head) and told you that you had to have sex with the turtle or he'd kill you. I mean, you'd be dead, right? ...even if it was a reasonably attractive turtle that you somehow mustered the will to have sex with, you'd still be dead cause you wouldn't know how to do it. It'd be like being a virgin all over again...only more embarrassing because if there was a guy pointing a gun at your head, then there is likely a crowd as well and they're probably all, like, ducking behind news stands and park benches to avoid the gun wielding psycho, but they're also watching you try every possible way to stick your dick in a reptile. I know the first girl you slept with was no real prize, but at least you guys had things in common, like, um, your species. But forget all that, i mean not totally, just the part where you are trying to fuck a turtle, because to be honest i'm not really all that curious about how a human has sex with a turtle - we don't even know if that's possble. We have seen baby turtles however, so we know there's some hard-back lovin' goin on at some time. Turtles don't lay eggs, do they? Oh god, then you get into the whole question of where the eggs come from and i only have so much time here. For simplicities sake, I vote that turtles just have gigantic wangers hidden under their shells and they whip 'em out when need be. At that point i get up to check my hypothesis on the internet and wind up searching for online porn all night. And no, not turtle porn.
Well, tonight i was lying awake and i started thinking about my blog. My poor, neglected blog whom i up and left for my new job and to whom i have dropped barely a single word over the past few months. I missed my blog. But, despite the history of our passionate affair of words, i had doubts that my blog would take me back.
So this is what it has come to. Like a mentally ill ex-lover i sneak back into the picture in the middle of the night with the hope that my blog will awake, find my post here and just assume everything's back to normal. That's what i hope for, a reprieve from explaining my absence, despite the obligation that i feel to do so. I swear, there were no other blogs; you are the only one for me. I will never again let work come between us. You complete me. You had me at 'Sign In.'
Sooooo, I just read back over this and i think i must be out of practice. I mean, i blogged about more interesting things than this before, didn't i? Didn't i?
I think i'll go lay down and ponder that question for a bit. I've got about 4 hours left til i have to be up for work, let's see what i come up with. Whatever i come up with it will certainly be better than the closing to this post. My mind refuses to produce a clever ending, so...
And They All Lived Happily Ever After
..Except the Turtle, He Got Fucked.
posted by Cowboy Matty | 2:20 AM
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