Three Tales of Penetration
So a certain SOMEONE mentioned on her blog yesterday something about a funny "fisting" story. Being that i told that very same SOMEONE a fisting story yesterday (at her request, believe it or not), i can only assume that the funny story that she was referring to was mine. So i decided to share it with everyone.
But then i started thinking. I told another funny penetration story recently...why not combine the 2 and make my post twice as funny!? Great idea!
Then, in flipping through Yahoo News, came across yet another story involving penetration. So now i am going to, you guessed it, share all of them and expose you all to triple-penetration!!!
(sorry, a little porno humor)
1.) There was this girl my freshman year of college (for this post we will refer to her as The Freaky Whore) who lived down the hallway from me. We were friendly and after a few months and eventually started sleeping together. We weren't a couple, we'd just jump in bed together if we both wound up at the dorm alone at the end of a night...a great relationship, if you ask me. Now, although we were pretty good friends, the attraction was purely physical so we didn't really have to worry about how the other person's 'feelings' would change if you were overly freaky in bed. This led to some amazing sex...for a time.
Then came a night that began much like any other that we had spent together; both of us stumbling drunk, falling into bed for a sloppy make-out session and some 'heavy petting'. Soon after losing our clothing, my hands started to slide south and i began my usual warm up routine. But this time TFW stopped me.
"I want you to use two fingers," she whispered. Fair enough. Two fingers it is. After a moment of this though, she apparently still found herself shy of satisfaction.
"Use three," she moaned. Ok, just like bowling...oops, wrong hole...ah yes, there we go, the old 'three-finga!'
"More," she said. Taking this to mean deeper and faster (hey, i was a college freshman, for all i knew pussies had teeth) i threw my right arm into a brief workout before she stopped me again. This time she took control, reaching down and maneuvering my pinkie inside of her as well (which, truth be told, was feeling a little cold and lonely out there by itself).
At this point i found myself borderline weirded out, could that really feel good? The girls in high school were all one and two-finger chicks... Was this the big leagues? Were the females back home just immature sexual neophytes? Did the number of pleasurable fingers double once you graduated high school?
Useful questions, to be sure, but I instantly forgot them all the moment i heard her again call for, "More." What? I can't compete if this chick previously had a six fingered boyfriend, can i? Wait, she couldn't possibly mean the thumb...could she? But where do i...? Does this thing come with a instruction manual?
I did the best that i could but, to be honest, the shape my hand had taken was beginning to give me a cramp and i couldn't get my thumb in any further than the nail. I was about to give up and chalk the awkward moment up to one too many Budweisers when she reached down, twisted my hand at an angle and started to pull.
At this point i am merely a tool of twisted masturbation, watching in awe as she did her best to dislocate my wrist. Then, after a long, straining grunt, it popped in. And i mean it popped, there was no sliding involved, nothing sensual, nothing sexy - it was like punching her in the cervix. I nearly screamed, and it wouldn't have been just any little, timid squeak, i was ready to yelp like a virgin on prom night, but quickly swallowed it as the fear of never getting my hand back suddenly consumed me.
Meanwhile she was tossing and turning like never before...not that i know why (unless it was pain-driven) because lord knows my hand didn't have enough room up there to be doing anything productive.
As she continued to vocalize her pleasure, the notion of being able to control her moans like a puppet suddenly occurred to me and my fear was washed away with a (luckily) inaudible giggle. She did something that kind of resembled an orgasm (doubtful), then popped me back out. I made some excuse about not feeling well from drinking too much and slipped away for the evening.
I'd like to say that i was so grossed out by that that i never slept with her again. I'd like to, but that would be a lie.
2.) Now for a completely different type of penetration, albeit still one involving a large object entering a small opening that it wasn't intended for. One day in preschool (oh that sounds so wrong! no, this story has nothing to do with Michael Jackson) my class was working on an art project that involved pasting kernels of dried corn onto construction paper. At some point during the process, i got a little board with the glue, and decided to go with a little performance art instead. I promptly stuck a piece of corn in one of my little four year old nostrils. It took a very short amount of time for me to realize that i could not get it back out. I started to cry and my teacher came over to see what the problem was.
"I got corn thuck in by dothe," was how it must have sounded. After enduring a short, disbelieving stare, my art teacher decided to go after the kernel herself. Sadly, neither she, nor her aide could dislodge it. She took an attempt at cheering me up by making some ill-advised joke about a cornfield sprouting in my nose. I cried harder.
Finally it was decided that we needed a longer instrument to reach the corn. I was carried to a first grade classroom (because starch in your nose and tears in your eyes affects your ability to walk worse than you would imagine). The teacher of this particular class, had the longest nails of anyone on the staff, and i only wish i could remember the look on her face when she was asked if she would jab one of them up my nose to retrieve a misguided vegetable. Fortunately for me, she was up to the task and the kernel was retrieved.
It wasn't until afterward that it dawned on me that this entire exchange had taken place in front of a room full of students.
Luckily we moved 2 years later.
3.) This week Kelly Preston and Catherine Bell came out in public support of Tom Cruise's sudden battle with complete insanity. Most notably bothersome to me was the continued flow of misinformation regarding anti-depressants. I won't get back into cause i'm tired of writing about it and you're tired of reading about it, but look, all you celebrities out there, if you want to join a cult, feel free. I won't judge. That is, i won't judge you until you begin to use the ignorant views of that cult as a jumping off point to discourage people from seeking help that could drastically improve, if not save, their lives. I hope you all wind up doing infomercials for acne medications!
What does this have to do with penetration, you ask? Well, until i read that article, i had an extremely strong desire to penetrate those women...but now i'm going to have to stop returning their phone calls.
So, triple penetration...was it good for you?
But then i started thinking. I told another funny penetration story recently...why not combine the 2 and make my post twice as funny!? Great idea!
Then, in flipping through Yahoo News, came across yet another story involving penetration. So now i am going to, you guessed it, share all of them and expose you all to triple-penetration!!!
(sorry, a little porno humor)
1.) There was this girl my freshman year of college (for this post we will refer to her as The Freaky Whore) who lived down the hallway from me. We were friendly and after a few months and eventually started sleeping together. We weren't a couple, we'd just jump in bed together if we both wound up at the dorm alone at the end of a night...a great relationship, if you ask me. Now, although we were pretty good friends, the attraction was purely physical so we didn't really have to worry about how the other person's 'feelings' would change if you were overly freaky in bed. This led to some amazing sex...for a time.
Then came a night that began much like any other that we had spent together; both of us stumbling drunk, falling into bed for a sloppy make-out session and some 'heavy petting'. Soon after losing our clothing, my hands started to slide south and i began my usual warm up routine. But this time TFW stopped me.
"I want you to use two fingers," she whispered. Fair enough. Two fingers it is. After a moment of this though, she apparently still found herself shy of satisfaction.
"Use three," she moaned. Ok, just like bowling...oops, wrong hole...ah yes, there we go, the old 'three-finga!'
"More," she said. Taking this to mean deeper and faster (hey, i was a college freshman, for all i knew pussies had teeth) i threw my right arm into a brief workout before she stopped me again. This time she took control, reaching down and maneuvering my pinkie inside of her as well (which, truth be told, was feeling a little cold and lonely out there by itself).
At this point i found myself borderline weirded out, could that really feel good? The girls in high school were all one and two-finger chicks... Was this the big leagues? Were the females back home just immature sexual neophytes? Did the number of pleasurable fingers double once you graduated high school?
Useful questions, to be sure, but I instantly forgot them all the moment i heard her again call for, "More." What? I can't compete if this chick previously had a six fingered boyfriend, can i? Wait, she couldn't possibly mean the thumb...could she? But where do i...? Does this thing come with a instruction manual?
I did the best that i could but, to be honest, the shape my hand had taken was beginning to give me a cramp and i couldn't get my thumb in any further than the nail. I was about to give up and chalk the awkward moment up to one too many Budweisers when she reached down, twisted my hand at an angle and started to pull.
At this point i am merely a tool of twisted masturbation, watching in awe as she did her best to dislocate my wrist. Then, after a long, straining grunt, it popped in. And i mean it popped, there was no sliding involved, nothing sensual, nothing sexy - it was like punching her in the cervix. I nearly screamed, and it wouldn't have been just any little, timid squeak, i was ready to yelp like a virgin on prom night, but quickly swallowed it as the fear of never getting my hand back suddenly consumed me.
Meanwhile she was tossing and turning like never before...not that i know why (unless it was pain-driven) because lord knows my hand didn't have enough room up there to be doing anything productive.
As she continued to vocalize her pleasure, the notion of being able to control her moans like a puppet suddenly occurred to me and my fear was washed away with a (luckily) inaudible giggle. She did something that kind of resembled an orgasm (doubtful), then popped me back out. I made some excuse about not feeling well from drinking too much and slipped away for the evening.
I'd like to say that i was so grossed out by that that i never slept with her again. I'd like to, but that would be a lie.
2.) Now for a completely different type of penetration, albeit still one involving a large object entering a small opening that it wasn't intended for. One day in preschool (oh that sounds so wrong! no, this story has nothing to do with Michael Jackson) my class was working on an art project that involved pasting kernels of dried corn onto construction paper. At some point during the process, i got a little board with the glue, and decided to go with a little performance art instead. I promptly stuck a piece of corn in one of my little four year old nostrils. It took a very short amount of time for me to realize that i could not get it back out. I started to cry and my teacher came over to see what the problem was.
"I got corn thuck in by dothe," was how it must have sounded. After enduring a short, disbelieving stare, my art teacher decided to go after the kernel herself. Sadly, neither she, nor her aide could dislodge it. She took an attempt at cheering me up by making some ill-advised joke about a cornfield sprouting in my nose. I cried harder.
Finally it was decided that we needed a longer instrument to reach the corn. I was carried to a first grade classroom (because starch in your nose and tears in your eyes affects your ability to walk worse than you would imagine). The teacher of this particular class, had the longest nails of anyone on the staff, and i only wish i could remember the look on her face when she was asked if she would jab one of them up my nose to retrieve a misguided vegetable. Fortunately for me, she was up to the task and the kernel was retrieved.
It wasn't until afterward that it dawned on me that this entire exchange had taken place in front of a room full of students.
Luckily we moved 2 years later.
3.) This week Kelly Preston and Catherine Bell came out in public support of Tom Cruise's sudden battle with complete insanity. Most notably bothersome to me was the continued flow of misinformation regarding anti-depressants. I won't get back into cause i'm tired of writing about it and you're tired of reading about it, but look, all you celebrities out there, if you want to join a cult, feel free. I won't judge. That is, i won't judge you until you begin to use the ignorant views of that cult as a jumping off point to discourage people from seeking help that could drastically improve, if not save, their lives. I hope you all wind up doing infomercials for acne medications!
What does this have to do with penetration, you ask? Well, until i read that article, i had an extremely strong desire to penetrate those women...but now i'm going to have to stop returning their phone calls.
So, triple penetration...was it good for you?
posted by Cowboy Matty | 5:55 PM
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