Ten Things... (7/25/2005) ...a little late.
Ok, so I am slow…reeeeally slow. But it is not solely my fault that this week’s Ten Things is getting put up on Thursday instead of in it’s normal Monday slot - it’s at least 50% Lulu’s fault. See, I didn’t blog on Monday cause I was too busy at work. On Tuesday she complained to me about it so I told her that I would not blog again until she responded to my b-day evite (because I am desperate to have at least one person say yes). Well, it seemed like a good threat, but I caved. She still has not responded but I can wait no longer. I have too much to say and I hope that an extra (extra, extra) long list this week will soothe any bitterness the one or two people who actually visit this site might harbor toward me for being a non-poster for a few days. So, with the hope that Lulu doesn’t wander over here until after she consents to partying with me next weekend, here we go!
1.) I think I had a rather unpleasant experience in the bathroom of another sort on Monday. After applying a thick blanket of toilet paper and those flimsy seat cover things to the toilet seat (as I always do in the unfortunate emergency situation that I have to use a public bathroom in this capacity), I inspected my job to make absolutely certain that no part of me would come into any kind of contact with porcelain. Satisfied, I prepared for the seating ritual - in which I attempt to lower myself onto the seat as slowly as possible in an effort to avoid causing my makeshift barrier any slippage. Strong quads are essential for this. Also handy are those rails for handicapped people – a perfect ledge for a sleeved elbow to aid with your slow descent while still avoiding any skin to bathroom contact. Thankfully we have these at work because using a toilet paper dispenser in the same regard can lead to trouble when they don’t support your weight…you wind up with massive ass-to-seat contact and a toilet-dunked penis – no fun. Another challenging aspect of the descent is the fact that I am never quite ready to commit to my paper covering of the seat. Consequently, I have a tendency to peek over my shoulder and between my legs as I sit. I desperately try to ensure that no seat is showing through my work, despite the fact I’ve used roughly enough paper to operate our office copy machine for a couple of weeks. Finally, I make contact and can bring my weight to rest. However I do not truly settle in until I’ve had one last look over either shoulder to ensure there is no contact. The toilet paper dispensers in this same office bathroom have some type of what appears to be a primitively designed shield that hangs over the top half of the roll. Essentially the shield causes one of two things: It either… 1.) Prevents the roll from turning at all, so your continued pinching and pulling results only in tiny shreds of paper that no sanitary human being would actually wipe with. …or… 2.) The roll turns too freely and the shield prevents you from performing the one-handed tear (that I know at least I’m used to) so you wind up with a strip of paper seven feet long. I suppose the second outcome wouldn’t be so bad except that with that much paper, it falls into an arc and some of it has probably touched the ground – a perpetually damp surface that should not, under any circumstances, come into contact with your nether regions. (As far as tearing the long strip in half, well I dunno about you, but in my world if any part of it has touched the floor it’s just back to the drawing board with that entire paper pull.) Until today I thought the purpose of this shield was simply there to increase the difficulty of tearing the toilet paper. I was wrong. Now I know that it is actually a razor sharp tool of corporate punishment, placed there to lop off the hands of compulsive seat-checkers who, as they twist around on the seat to get a clear view of their own ass, accidentally run an arm into it…or a leg…or god knows what other appendage. Now, I know what you are all asking right now and, no, I did not severe my left hand completely from my arm. However, there is extensive redness and a mark of at least a half-inch where the skin was broken. Though my massive wound did not bleed or…well penetrate honestly, it does look as though there may be some bruising tomorrow. Ok, ok, it’s a freaking scratch, but damn, I hurt myself on the toilet!!!
2.) I think we’re getting’ the band back together, man! Well, technically, we’re not getting BACK together because we were never in a band to begin with – but that opening line sounded better. Anyhow, for the last few months Smokey, Smokey’s brother, Spoon, (as in Jake Spoon*), and myself had been laying the groundwork to get a band together. With Smokey on bass, Spoon playing lead and me on the drums, we had a good foundation, but we knew we needed more members. Recently, we attempted to recruit Cotton to the band. He showed little interest at all, begging off due to supposed "lack of knowledge or skill on a particular instrument." We told him to show some heart, sack up and learn. Then we told him that being in the band would get us chicks. He then quickly agreed and after a short conversation it was decided that he would play the triangle. So basically, we’re still searching. Our other buddy, Frodo**, entered our minds for a time. He couldn’t sing but we thought maybe he could spin for us; we could have a DJ, go that direction…then we remembered that Frodo is the same guy who drove 50 miles from his house to buy a TV from Smokey, got here, paid for it, hung out for about a half hour, then got in his car and drove all the way home before he realized he had forgotten the TV and his cell phone at our place. Better have two triangles in this band. Maybe we could trust him with a cowbell for certain songs. Well, while I’m being brutally honest, I should probably mention that none of us know how to play (or even own) instruments. We just all kind of thought Much Hornier Than We Look was a great band name and went from there. Anyway, after discussing the band members, Smokey and I talked about ways to get around what some might refer to as our lack of skill; how should we play to maximize our success? "What’s our sound?" he asked. "Whatever comes out," I replied without a thought. "Ah," he said, tilting his head back with a refreshing look. "Sounds of the handicapped…"
* Hey, if I am going to stick with the Western-oriented nicknames, there are going to have to be some obscure ones. Kudos to anyone who knows who Jake Spoon is.
** Ok, it’s not a western name but it’s hilarious because he wears his wedding ring on a chain around his neck! Am I the only one laughing here? Well, what is the Western equivalent to Frodo Baggins then?
3.) I think I picked the right instrument. In regards to the previous entry, I basically had first pick as far as what I wanted to play (in a band that will only ever exist in our imaginations) and I chose drums. I mean, c’mon, it’s perfect for me. They hand you two sticks and say, "Here, beat the crap out of these things." I can do that. Plus, drummers have that kind of mysterious allure thing going on for them…all alone on the back of the stage. It’s sexy if you ask me. I look forward to being sexy.
4.) I think I was a whore this weekend. Boy are you going to be disappointed with this story after that heading! I traded for Donovan McNabb in my fantasy football league over the weekend. The trade was a no-brainer, my team is pretty unbelievable now. The problem: I am a die-hard Cowboys fan and while I don’t hate McNabb in particular, I do hate the Eagles with a deep passion and, as such, obviously root for them to lose each week. So basically I whored myself out to do well in my league.
5.) I think I don’t know what to think about Million Dollar Baby. Finally saw it this weekend. Was really into it to start but, without giving anything away, it turns out quite differently than I expected. So much so that I honestly can’t fully say what my opinion was on it. Sometimes that happens to me when a movie is drastically different than I expect.
6.) I think I’m not sure if I fully understood Constantine. Hard to say whether or not I liked the other movie I saw this weekend as well. I was a little stoned going in and I think I missed some of the dialogue at points, but it had some decent elements and I may give it another look one of these days.
7.) I think this is the ultimate car mechanic quote: “Well, we can’t seem to figure out what’s wrong. To be honest we haven’t run into any problems since the car has been here, your engine control module (sounds so sci-fi, doesn’t it?) appears to be functioning as it should so it may not even be causing the problem you were having. But since we have no idea what else could be causing the loss of power, my recommendation would be to replace it with a new ECM, just so we can rule that part out as the cause of the problem.” Ok, sure, let’s drop $1500 just to rule something out…sounds like a great plan!
8.) I think I might have another project. Do any of you enjoy strange news stories? I ask because I find weird and obscure news items from around the world to be endlessly entertaining. I was thinking of starting a second site, a very simple one that would simply have a daily compilation of strange or outrageous news stories. Actually, now that I type that out it doesn’t sound like such a great idea - I’m entertained by some odd shit.
9.) I think next weekend is going to be fun. It’s my b-day on Thursday the 4th. Miss Kitty is taking me out…or maybe we’ll just stay in. On Friday I am taking the day off work to go see my folks and then Kitty and I are going to the Giants game that evening. Then the real fun begins! I’m having an early dinner on Saturday (something very greasy and filling will be an absolute necessity) then heading out to a bar in San Fran to meet up with a bunch of friends for a little fiesta. The best part - Miss Kitty has agreed to get me drunk and take me to strip clubs…and I think anyone who has ever even glanced at this site knows that I take a fair piece of enjoyment from viewing naked women (my last strip club experience notwithstanding). I requested Monday off of work too, just cause I have a feeling that I may be hung over for a couple of days. I can’t wait!
10.) Speaking of parties, I think we’re over trying to get people to make the trek out to our house in groups larger than two. In discussing our July 3rd party (which was only attended by a few railroad workers, and even they had a terrible time) the following exchange took place between Smokey and I: “I don’t think I’ll risk doing my b-day thing out here, not after that fiasco.” “Yeah, I don’t even think we could get the people who actually showed up last time to come back.” “Shit, if I didn’t live here and I came to that party, I wouldn’t ever come back either.”
Ok, and since I was soooo late getting this up, how about I throw in one more?
11.) I think porn diva Extreme Holly had the truest quote I’ve heard in a long time. While giving pointers to a young girl who wanted to learn how to give her boyfriend better head, she came out with this line, “See, once you learn to deep throat, you have no boyfriend worries anymore. If you're doing that to him regularly, and you’re doing it right, he won’t ever cheat, he won’t ever leave you and he’ll be willing to do anything for you sexually.” True? Hell if I know, but you just gotta love that attitude!
1.) I think I had a rather unpleasant experience in the bathroom of another sort on Monday. After applying a thick blanket of toilet paper and those flimsy seat cover things to the toilet seat (as I always do in the unfortunate emergency situation that I have to use a public bathroom in this capacity), I inspected my job to make absolutely certain that no part of me would come into any kind of contact with porcelain. Satisfied, I prepared for the seating ritual - in which I attempt to lower myself onto the seat as slowly as possible in an effort to avoid causing my makeshift barrier any slippage. Strong quads are essential for this. Also handy are those rails for handicapped people – a perfect ledge for a sleeved elbow to aid with your slow descent while still avoiding any skin to bathroom contact. Thankfully we have these at work because using a toilet paper dispenser in the same regard can lead to trouble when they don’t support your weight…you wind up with massive ass-to-seat contact and a toilet-dunked penis – no fun. Another challenging aspect of the descent is the fact that I am never quite ready to commit to my paper covering of the seat. Consequently, I have a tendency to peek over my shoulder and between my legs as I sit. I desperately try to ensure that no seat is showing through my work, despite the fact I’ve used roughly enough paper to operate our office copy machine for a couple of weeks. Finally, I make contact and can bring my weight to rest. However I do not truly settle in until I’ve had one last look over either shoulder to ensure there is no contact. The toilet paper dispensers in this same office bathroom have some type of what appears to be a primitively designed shield that hangs over the top half of the roll. Essentially the shield causes one of two things: It either… 1.) Prevents the roll from turning at all, so your continued pinching and pulling results only in tiny shreds of paper that no sanitary human being would actually wipe with. …or… 2.) The roll turns too freely and the shield prevents you from performing the one-handed tear (that I know at least I’m used to) so you wind up with a strip of paper seven feet long. I suppose the second outcome wouldn’t be so bad except that with that much paper, it falls into an arc and some of it has probably touched the ground – a perpetually damp surface that should not, under any circumstances, come into contact with your nether regions. (As far as tearing the long strip in half, well I dunno about you, but in my world if any part of it has touched the floor it’s just back to the drawing board with that entire paper pull.) Until today I thought the purpose of this shield was simply there to increase the difficulty of tearing the toilet paper. I was wrong. Now I know that it is actually a razor sharp tool of corporate punishment, placed there to lop off the hands of compulsive seat-checkers who, as they twist around on the seat to get a clear view of their own ass, accidentally run an arm into it…or a leg…or god knows what other appendage. Now, I know what you are all asking right now and, no, I did not severe my left hand completely from my arm. However, there is extensive redness and a mark of at least a half-inch where the skin was broken. Though my massive wound did not bleed or…well penetrate honestly, it does look as though there may be some bruising tomorrow. Ok, ok, it’s a freaking scratch, but damn, I hurt myself on the toilet!!!
2.) I think we’re getting’ the band back together, man! Well, technically, we’re not getting BACK together because we were never in a band to begin with – but that opening line sounded better. Anyhow, for the last few months Smokey, Smokey’s brother, Spoon, (as in Jake Spoon*), and myself had been laying the groundwork to get a band together. With Smokey on bass, Spoon playing lead and me on the drums, we had a good foundation, but we knew we needed more members. Recently, we attempted to recruit Cotton to the band. He showed little interest at all, begging off due to supposed "lack of knowledge or skill on a particular instrument." We told him to show some heart, sack up and learn. Then we told him that being in the band would get us chicks. He then quickly agreed and after a short conversation it was decided that he would play the triangle. So basically, we’re still searching. Our other buddy, Frodo**, entered our minds for a time. He couldn’t sing but we thought maybe he could spin for us; we could have a DJ, go that direction…then we remembered that Frodo is the same guy who drove 50 miles from his house to buy a TV from Smokey, got here, paid for it, hung out for about a half hour, then got in his car and drove all the way home before he realized he had forgotten the TV and his cell phone at our place. Better have two triangles in this band. Maybe we could trust him with a cowbell for certain songs. Well, while I’m being brutally honest, I should probably mention that none of us know how to play (or even own) instruments. We just all kind of thought Much Hornier Than We Look was a great band name and went from there. Anyway, after discussing the band members, Smokey and I talked about ways to get around what some might refer to as our lack of skill; how should we play to maximize our success? "What’s our sound?" he asked. "Whatever comes out," I replied without a thought. "Ah," he said, tilting his head back with a refreshing look. "Sounds of the handicapped…"
* Hey, if I am going to stick with the Western-oriented nicknames, there are going to have to be some obscure ones. Kudos to anyone who knows who Jake Spoon is.
** Ok, it’s not a western name but it’s hilarious because he wears his wedding ring on a chain around his neck! Am I the only one laughing here? Well, what is the Western equivalent to Frodo Baggins then?
3.) I think I picked the right instrument. In regards to the previous entry, I basically had first pick as far as what I wanted to play (in a band that will only ever exist in our imaginations) and I chose drums. I mean, c’mon, it’s perfect for me. They hand you two sticks and say, "Here, beat the crap out of these things." I can do that. Plus, drummers have that kind of mysterious allure thing going on for them…all alone on the back of the stage. It’s sexy if you ask me. I look forward to being sexy.
4.) I think I was a whore this weekend. Boy are you going to be disappointed with this story after that heading! I traded for Donovan McNabb in my fantasy football league over the weekend. The trade was a no-brainer, my team is pretty unbelievable now. The problem: I am a die-hard Cowboys fan and while I don’t hate McNabb in particular, I do hate the Eagles with a deep passion and, as such, obviously root for them to lose each week. So basically I whored myself out to do well in my league.
5.) I think I don’t know what to think about Million Dollar Baby. Finally saw it this weekend. Was really into it to start but, without giving anything away, it turns out quite differently than I expected. So much so that I honestly can’t fully say what my opinion was on it. Sometimes that happens to me when a movie is drastically different than I expect.
6.) I think I’m not sure if I fully understood Constantine. Hard to say whether or not I liked the other movie I saw this weekend as well. I was a little stoned going in and I think I missed some of the dialogue at points, but it had some decent elements and I may give it another look one of these days.
7.) I think this is the ultimate car mechanic quote: “Well, we can’t seem to figure out what’s wrong. To be honest we haven’t run into any problems since the car has been here, your engine control module (sounds so sci-fi, doesn’t it?) appears to be functioning as it should so it may not even be causing the problem you were having. But since we have no idea what else could be causing the loss of power, my recommendation would be to replace it with a new ECM, just so we can rule that part out as the cause of the problem.” Ok, sure, let’s drop $1500 just to rule something out…sounds like a great plan!
8.) I think I might have another project. Do any of you enjoy strange news stories? I ask because I find weird and obscure news items from around the world to be endlessly entertaining. I was thinking of starting a second site, a very simple one that would simply have a daily compilation of strange or outrageous news stories. Actually, now that I type that out it doesn’t sound like such a great idea - I’m entertained by some odd shit.
9.) I think next weekend is going to be fun. It’s my b-day on Thursday the 4th. Miss Kitty is taking me out…or maybe we’ll just stay in. On Friday I am taking the day off work to go see my folks and then Kitty and I are going to the Giants game that evening. Then the real fun begins! I’m having an early dinner on Saturday (something very greasy and filling will be an absolute necessity) then heading out to a bar in San Fran to meet up with a bunch of friends for a little fiesta. The best part - Miss Kitty has agreed to get me drunk and take me to strip clubs…and I think anyone who has ever even glanced at this site knows that I take a fair piece of enjoyment from viewing naked women (my last strip club experience notwithstanding). I requested Monday off of work too, just cause I have a feeling that I may be hung over for a couple of days. I can’t wait!
10.) Speaking of parties, I think we’re over trying to get people to make the trek out to our house in groups larger than two. In discussing our July 3rd party (which was only attended by a few railroad workers, and even they had a terrible time) the following exchange took place between Smokey and I: “I don’t think I’ll risk doing my b-day thing out here, not after that fiasco.” “Yeah, I don’t even think we could get the people who actually showed up last time to come back.” “Shit, if I didn’t live here and I came to that party, I wouldn’t ever come back either.”
Ok, and since I was soooo late getting this up, how about I throw in one more?
11.) I think porn diva Extreme Holly had the truest quote I’ve heard in a long time. While giving pointers to a young girl who wanted to learn how to give her boyfriend better head, she came out with this line, “See, once you learn to deep throat, you have no boyfriend worries anymore. If you're doing that to him regularly, and you’re doing it right, he won’t ever cheat, he won’t ever leave you and he’ll be willing to do anything for you sexually.” True? Hell if I know, but you just gotta love that attitude!
posted by Cowboy Matty | 10:56 AM
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